Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
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The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe