[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
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One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Husband of the year 😂
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.