Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
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I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
me working on my assignments ^-^
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
How dramatic are you?
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!