I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
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I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.