[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
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He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
they should invent a hydrating liquor
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.