The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
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Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”