you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
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Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
the last thing a carrot sees
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.