Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
You Might Also Like
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.