It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
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me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
figuring out my emotional availability:
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
True statement👍😏😁
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
🤣🤣🤣