I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
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Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
I put the p in pants.
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)