Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
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extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
I just stopped by to water my horse.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face