Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
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Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Ferrari squats
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*