Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
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Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
Me in tagged photos
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
A friend sent me this.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
#Caturday
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.