Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
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One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣