My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
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You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.