My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
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saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.