Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
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I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Animal poetry
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope