Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
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from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread