air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
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When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.