the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
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While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends