Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
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people who do mutinies should be called mutants
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Have a lovely day 😊
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.