Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
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Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
he’s doing your taxes
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.