genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
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Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Before & after 😅