[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
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Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
October already? What’s next? November????
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!