Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
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If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.