Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
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Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.