coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
You Might Also Like
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
tell em, edith-anne
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot
ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth