After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
You Might Also Like
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo