Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
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sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Me: Do I get naked now or at the end? I’ve never done this before and I’m really nervous.
Priest: For the love of god, just kiss the bride.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.