No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
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Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
What a year we’ve had this week.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.