ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
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I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume