My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
Me buying fruit and veg
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms