if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
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If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Peace was never an option
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
He took my last fry, your honor
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
This fish is cracking me up
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.