Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
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true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Namaste
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?