Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
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I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”