British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
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Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
I gave up going to work for lent.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
WHY would you be happy about this?
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.