Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
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[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Good morning.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
based al yankovic
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.