The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
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Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND