If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
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What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
that wasn’t the question
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood