When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
“Why you watching this shit?”
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.