Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
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if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Digital security in Ancient Troy
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Cause of death: Zumba
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]