I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
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I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
The Sun
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.