with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
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Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Namaste
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do