Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
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Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy