My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
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Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
finally
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*