Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
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I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.