Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
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16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I bet
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.