Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
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Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes