Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
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landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY