Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
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Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”